apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
