found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
