I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
