she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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