hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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