I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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