the new term for farting is butt boxing.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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