At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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