just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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