Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i think i have herpe
just one?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
