My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
