If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
