i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
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I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
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You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
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