Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
