you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
