Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
