We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
