Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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