I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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