when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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