after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
