I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
