Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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