In the future we'll all be gay
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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