FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
