I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
