now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
