Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
