Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
