I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
