i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
