Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
