A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
