Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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