you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
