"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He did a backflip because drugs
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