Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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