he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
