I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i will never coherently bang her
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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