Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
