My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
