I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
