My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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