I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
