My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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