You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
