I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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