and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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