Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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