I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
