my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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