atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
