from now on my penis is your penis
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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