masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
