i don't like sucking hair
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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