i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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