Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
