Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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